Just fine, please.

"If there must be trouble, let it be in my day, that my child may have peace." ~Thomas Paine

Another blogger posted this quote recently. How true it holds for me today.

I would be a fool to think my kids would have no lasting reactions to the year they have had. Well, a year and a half, really. Kids are resilient, kids adapt. You hear that all the time. But that doesn't mean they forget, it doesn't mean they bounce back 100% the way they were.

My daughter is feeling her pain. Several nights ago she began having tremors. She was watching tv upstairs with her dad, he came down and asked me to look at her. She was sitting, legs outstretched, and both feet were moving. She held out her arms and her hands were trembling. I can't quite describe the feeling I had at that moment. I'm not sure I have ever felt anything like it. I told her to get her shoes on and we headed out to the ER. As we were leaving, she said her legs were trembling, too. By the time we got to the ER, her arms were trembling, and she said she felt a tremor in her jaw. This was not shaking like she was cold, or nervous. This was a small, rapid tremor.

My mind was going to the deepest, darkest places. If you follow Kate McRae, you know that what started as a tremor in her finger ended up being brain cancer, and she is in the fight of her life at this moment. Parkison's. Multiple sclerosis. I had vomit sitting in the bottom of my throat for what felt like forever. I drove us to the hospital in a blur of fear and dread. Never, NEVER have I been scared like that.

We signed in and waited for an agonizing ten minutes. The nurse called us, and to my surprise we walked straight back, bypassing triage. When we got to our room, I saw it on the electronic greaseboard- a bright red flashing box by her name. High Risk. Emergent. I remained calm. I prayed, prayed for calm. Prayed for peace.

She was given a neuro exam by the doctor, as well as labwork. Thank you God! Her neuro exam was unremarkable. As were her labs. I was actually surprised by the labs. After passing her neuro exam, I expected her electrolytes to be out of whack or something, something that would explain her tremors. By this time, we were fairly relaxed, watching Everybody Hates Chris. She had asked for food, and inhaled it. I took this as another great sign, but my mind traveled to another dark place. When I worked in the ER years ago, there was a thirteen year old girl who was brought in afer collapsing at her soccer game. She was awake and alert, and asked for food. She died later that night after suffering a stroke. I remember thinking to myself, "but she asked for food two hours ago". I couldn't understand that. I thought of that when Katie asked for food. Weird. Scary.

I expected a CT scan next. And dreaded it. The doctor said "nope, let's let her go home and give it a day".

Um, what?

He said he sees no clinical indication for a head CT. He said tremors are common in children, have many causes and very few of them are serious.

I do not like having to trust strangers.

He said to eliminate caffeine (Katie often has an afternoon cup of coffee to boost her ADHD meds as they wear off). Ah yes, the medicine. That could be a cause of the tremors as well. Even though she has been taking them for several years with no increase, it is possible she could be having one of the many possible side effects.

I reached her doctor Friday afternoon. He was just who I needed! However, by the time he and I talked I had decided for myself what was probably going on. (After a few hours with Dr. Google, of course.) The tremors had all but disappeared, but earlier in the day Katie had a visible palpitation. She is thin, and it is not unusual to be able to see her heart beat, but this was a palpitation. I know them well. I checked her pulse and blood pressure- normal. And that palpitation was somewhat of a Godsend, for it was then that I was almost sure what was going on. Her doctor agrees with me as well.

My baby is stressed out.

After burying four people she loves last year, and dealing with the demands of sixth grade Advanced Academic Placement (the new name for Gifted Talented), she is reaching her breaking point. How sad is that? The stress of her family's losses and the aftermath has distracted her to the point of falling behind in her school work, which has caused her grades to fall, which adds to the stress, and around and around we go. Building that snowball.

My daughter will be twelve next month. She begins junior high this fall. This is the absolute worst time for her to be emotionally fragile, stressed beyond her capacity and doubting herself. Junior high is the most impressionable time for kids. At least it was for me. All the things I did much too young, the reckless behaviors I exhibited, the bad choices I made, began in junior high. My girl needs to enter this phase in her life strong and confident, or she will fall prey to the pressures of adolescence and her peers that will not lift her up. I am sure of it.

I am not sure where we go from here. I will start with getting in touch with her teacher, the school psychologist, counselors and nurse. I am encouraging her to mainstream next year instead of continuing on with AAP. She can still take honors courses if she chooses or needs more challenge.

That will be just fine.

If you know me well, you know how I bristle when I hear that- "just fine". "My kids got X and they turned out just fine." "My mom did X and I turned out just fine". I have always said, rather loftily, that I want better than just fine for my kids. I want the best. I want excellent. I want perfect. Not from them, but for them. Just fine is not has not been good enough for my kids. Until now.

I just want her to be just fine. That would be the best. That would be excellent. That would be perfect.