Once In A Blue Moon

I was just told that tomorrow, New Year's Eve is a blue moon. For those of you who don't know, because maybe you live under a moon rock, a blue moon is a full moon that occurs for the second time in a calendar month. "A full moon occurs every 29.5 days, and most years have 12. On average, an extra full moon in a month — a blue moon — occurs every 2.5 years. The last time there was a lunar double take was in May 2007. New Year's Eve blue moons are rarer, occurring every 19 years. The last time was in 1990; the next one won't come again until 2028." (Copied from a source who knows much more about this than I do.) So, I find it pretty cool that it is happening on New Years Eve. The New Year's Eve that kicks off a whole new decade. (No more aughts, which I found to be a weird and awkward word anyway.)

A New Year that will be especially wonderful for me. As I have written about before, I am ready to start over. Oh heck, we all do it. We start diets, we start saving money, we start organizing our lives, we quit smoking. January 2nd is always the day we start anew. It's cliche. But it comes after a month and half of excess over the holidays, so it makes sense. And I too will be joining the point counters and sweaters, lacing up a brand new pair of walking shoes that are just for the many miles of walking I will do to get in shape, building up my strength and endurance to start jogging. Yeah, that's the ticket. Watch me go! Seriously, I have gained...well I will go ahead and just be brutally honest here. Right now, today, I am the heaviest I have ever been in my entire life without having a near full-term baby inside me. I had a weight, a number, that was the benchmark I set for myself last time I lost weight to never return to. Well I exceeded that number by 12 lbs. All in the last three of four months. My daughter ran a 5k earlier this month, which she ran because I "suggested" it to her. Ok, ok I pushed. But she did it, and I was so proud of her. I am encouraging her to run another in the spring, and I told her that if she does it I will run with her. This excited her, either because she wants to accomplish something worthwhile like this with me, or because she knew I would never make it and she would therefore be off the hook. In any case, I have to see this through.

But health, schmealth. All that aside, my head and my heart are also in bad shape. My marriage is in a different place than it has been. Ever. My kids are waiting for mom to come back. Mom who hangs with them, and addresses them for more than telling them to stop this or do that. My husband and I are so overwhelmed, we find it hard to be there for each other. And if your foundation crumbles, the rest of the house will fall. I will not allow this!

So I have decided the New Year will be the time. The time I have chosen to stand up and walk. To make changes, both big and small, that will alter the direction of my health, my spirit, my family, my life. People might ask, why not start today? Why not start right now? Well, I need this time to wallow in my misery. I deserve it, dontcha think? I am actually choosing to be broody and down, to not shower every day, to skip brushing my teeth every so often, and to wear my new Redskins pajamas for three days. I am choosing to be depressed. You may not know it, because I am still a smart ass and still crack jokes. But I am a sad potato.

And I will still be sad Saturday morning. Saturday morning happens to be my fathers birthday. (I am skipping Friday, the actual start of the New Year because most of us are hurting for other reasons that day.) But I will embrace the New Year. The New Decade. The New Attitude. I will embrace the sorrow that will eventually lead me to new strength and wisdom. I will embrace the shiny clean slate that isn't 2009. I will be ready for what comes our way, just because it won't be another thing happening this year.

And then there suddenly appeared before me
The only one my arms will hold
I heard Somebody whisper please adore Me
And when I looked to the Moon it turned to gold.

Blue Moon
Now I'm now longer alone
Without a dream in my heart
Without a love of my own.