Brain Fog

There is something called brain fog. No, it is not just a convenient way to say I don't have it together, or I am disorganized and forgetful. It is a "thing". Usually it happens to people with chronic immuno-suppressive disorders. It can arise from a variety of causes; excessive ammonia in the bloodstream (encephalopathy), vitamin or mineral deficiencies, medications, fatigue, hormonal imbalances, acute illness and anemia among others.

In my case, it's probably from Primary Sclerosing Cholangitis and Crohn's, though it is possible it could be due to Lyme disease. Or all three! There really isn't a good way to tell why you have it. And sometimes, it isn't even easy to tell that you do have it. For some, it is unmistakable. Clear, undeniable "brain fog" moments are obvious to everyone around you. For others, like myself, it can be much more subtle. Maybe you are the only one to notice certain slips of clarity, but you know it feels different than typical "brain farts" or "senior moments".

For me, when I have a brain fog moment, I feel it. I know it wasn't something typical, like forgetting an appointment. (Which I do, frequently.) There have been moments that have frightened me. Once I forgot the PIN for my debit card that I have had for years and use almost daily. I literally stood there for minutes and could not remember it. Another time, I could not recall the name of my neighbor. I went to his wife's funeral. We serve together on the Civic Association. I know him well. At work, where I make coffee drinks every day, I have forgotten simple recipes once or twice.

These moments and ones like them feel different. They feel different because I know they are different. They don't happen every day, thankfully. But because I have more than one poorly understood, not effectively treated and potentially life shortening chronic illness, I tend to take these moments with a slight feeling of doom. "This is it, the beginning of (the end)."

Just this weekend, I told relatives the same story a few times. I know this, because the third time I told it they said "Yeah, we know!". Then I forgot a party I had been invited to and responded to, and had even discussed with others. When it was mentioned, I said I didn't know about it and hadn't yet been invited.

So I'm not forgetting to feed my kids, or wear pants or anything like that. (Believe me, if I go out of the house pants-less it will be on purpose!) It's nothing earth shattering, or dangerous. Well, I guess I could get lost or something. (Luckily these moments don't last long and I am back on track in just a few moments, so I wouldn't get too lost.) It's just enough for my loved ones to think I am a total dumbshit sometimes.

*Note to self- Drive to beach for day and pretend to have had Brain Fog...

*Note to self- Not cool. Never mind.

It's disturbing because, while Crohn's and PSC may have my gut and my liver held hostage, I am still "here". Present and capable. And giving that up, even slightly and only for a moment, is not a compromise I am willing to make. It's a loss of control that is most unsettling.