I had my second meeting with Dr. Annie today. (That may be her name, it may not be. I'm not sayin'.) She gave me a few assignments. This perked me up, and I didn't immediately understand why.
I work part-time for the health insurance benefit, and to get out of the house a little. (Though that novelty has likely worn off by now.) But when I am at work I am expected to follow certain rules and codes. There are repeatable routines that I will get called out for not repeating. I am expected to show up, on time, and work efficiently and correctly until the appointed quitting time. Structure. Expectations.
Not so much the case at home. I suppose that being a part time work-out-of-the-home-but-mostly-stay-at-home-mom, I am expected to perform certain tasks and create routines. However, if I fail to meet those expectations no one is there to call me out on it. I am not going to get fired. I am not going to be replaced. It had never occurred to me until this afternoon that I may be missing that. No, I don't want to be fired, replaced or even criticized. And I certainly don't want my husband coming home and challenging me for not doing the dishes or vacuuming. No, that will not fly at all. (Are you reading this, honey?) So I am not really sure what I am missing in terms of meeting my family's expectations and what the ramifications of not doing so are. All I know is, I am in charge and the management needs some serious evaluation.
I feel that my illnesses and their symptoms- fatigue, frequent aches and pains, fairly frequent hospitalizations, fatigue and did I mention I am tired?- keep my family from expecting much from me in the first place. And I don't just mean laundry and yard work. Setting goals, moving toward them and attaining them, no matter how large or how small, do not seem to be things that are expected of me. I think the people who love me have come to accept and love me just as I am, today. Today, I am tired, depressed, sick, scared, not very motivated and fat. Now I would be batshit crazy to not want acceptance of myself just as I am from my own family! Don't get me wrong, I know how blessed I am in this regard. But... dare I say it? It's not enough.
I want them to want more for me. I want them to want more from me. Of course, I need to want these things from myself, as well. And I do. Deep down, somewhere in the visceral soul of my inner, skinny, healthy, super-mom, sexy wife alter ego, I do. But there it is- I want cheerleaders. Ones who aren't just going through the motions, but truly want me to win the "game".
If my family had asked me to buy a day-planner, get a hanging file for my bills and begin a simple daily task to implement a larger routine, and I didn't do it, they would simply accept it. But Dr. Annie expects me to follow through. If I don't she's going to ask me why not and render a judgment on my excuses. And since this has nothing to do with making the perfect cappuccino for someone else, since I am charged with these tasks with my own benefit in mind, I hope I don't let her down.
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If you'd asked me, I would have told you to call your therapist "Counselor Troi" for the purpose of anonymity. Anyway, I certainly appreciate what it's like to have low expectations. I was far and away the most scholarly/academic person in my family, so I was just sort of left to my own devices. If I came home and said I had a C in a class, it was just accepted that's the best I could have done, even if it wasn't.
ReplyDeleteIt's outright shameful to look at my high school transcript. I graduated cum laude with my bachelor's degree, but you'd never have expected that kind of performance from the student I was in high school. That guy was dismal. The funny part is that if you saw my performance in elementary school, you'd be just as surprised that I fell to such lows in high school. Mind you, I don't mean to equate being a lazy student with feeling guilt as a wife and mother.
Drawing on that experience, though, I do suggest--as I'm sure Counselor Troi has or will--that you sit down with your family and outline what your goals for performance are, and what you need from them to help you meet your objectives. The upshot is that these are skills your children can use in general. It's of tremendous value in the workplace to have someone there who knows how to nudge coworkers.