I realized this morning that I have not seen a doctor. For anything. For a long time.
*Outside of a hospital, that is.
Granted, most of the day to day issues I may face are no reason to rush off to the doctor. Things I deal with frequently are simply a part of Crohn's disease or PSC. Since there is no cure for Crohn's and no real treatment for PSC, we just have to simply deal with things sometimes.
But I have avoided routine labs, my annual gyn exam, my mammogram (though I am not fully on board with yearly mammos), the dermatologist (where I occasionally have something "suspicious" removed"), the foot doctor I have needed to see for months, a doctor for the back pain I have had for months...... I am insured now, there really is no good reason to be avoiding these visits.
Except cancer, that is. The cancer my husband had, or my father, or my father-in-law, or my friends. The cancers that were found while looking at something else. The cancer I am at a very high risk for, and several friends are fighting right now. The very one I have also recently lost friends to.
Cancer is every-freaking-where. So why shouldn't it be here, in my body? I am fairly certain it will invade me at some point. That is probably unreasonable, maybe even irrational. But that's why my head is in the sand.
I used to be someone who would gladly go in to have my hangnail looked at. Ok, maybe I am exaggerating just a tad, but doctors have never been a group I fear. This has all changed. The deaths our family has endured. The illnesses we have faced. I have faced, and face each day. My age, and the apparently "normal" mortality fears that come with it. They are all keeping me home.
The truth is that I may go to the doctor for this or that malady and find it is something simple, treatable, temporary and otherwise survivable. So, why can't I just get up and go?
Because this sand in my teeth is starting to irritate me.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Oh how I hate cancer! I have to tell you my story, well a short version. Years ago, 2001 or 2002 I was convinced that my fibromyalgia had turned into cancer. Lymphoma to be exact. I went to 3 different doctors who all said I was fine. Eventually I moved on from lymphoma paranoia.
ReplyDeleteEarly in 2007 my fibromyalgia was getting really bad. Worse than it had been before. I also started getting some strange bruised and veiny spots on my chest. I went to a couple doctors who treated my pain and were at a loss for the rest. My heart rate was up as well. I was short of breath. I started waking up with my face swollen.
One day it was horrible, I was purple and couldn't open my eyes. It was a weekend and we went to the ER. (I worked there.) I saw a PA who said that all of this was an sudden onset allergy to my cat, who I'd had for 14 years with no prior allergies. They sent me home with a prescription for allergy meds, it wasn't good.
I don't know if the PA ever got into trouble, he was very arrogant and rude, even knowing that I was a nurse working there. My mom and husband were with me, also nurses. He refused to do any testing, no labs, denied an EKG and a chest x-ray...nothing.
Monday I went to another doctor-my dad insisted and it was his friend. My husband asked him to do a chest x-ray. Doc was stunned that nobody had done one. It should have been standard! And it was abnormal. I needed a CT scan. That night my doctor called with the results. A tumor in my chest, compressing my heart. It was surreal. I figured lung cancer and I must have only months to live.
Turns out it was...lymphoma. The symptoms I had now were fairly different than the ones I had when I swore I had lymphoma before. That was such a strange self-fulfilling prophecy or something.
Chemo and radiation put me into remission. Where I think I remain. I don't know. I'll explain why, in the next comment since this is getting long.
I forgot to mention a couple things. The cancer was aggressive, so it wasn't possible that I'd had the lymphoma from the time I first worried about it. They guessed that I'd had it about 6 months before I was diagnosed. (The diagnosis took just over 3 months...4 doctors, an ER visit from hell, and a week in the hospital-a good hospital, not the small town place I worked).
ReplyDeleteAlso between the cancer and treatments, my heart and vascular system have a lot of problems. I've had one surgery on my heart. To fix the vascular problems I'd need a surgery that is just barbaric, actually 2. They'd harvest veins from my legs and rebuild my chest and neck veins. The vascular surgeon specialist said he *could* do it, but didn't *want* to do it. My oncologist and regular doctor both say no.
As well as placement of a stent in my superior vena cava as I have a complication that 95% of the time is resolved with chemo shrinking the tumor. My didn't resolve. Lymphoma tumors are inoperable because they are soft.
So, I have a lot of left over problems. Those above and about 10 other things. Train wreck! And I guess a case of PTSD. I had CT and PET scans every 3 months to make sure the cancer wasn't back. They were so scary and stressful. It was horrible.
Eventually I stopped going to my check ups. I reasoned that they weren't preventative and were causing me way too much stress. It seemed there was always something that showed up here or there. Never enough to worry the doctors but always enough to worry me. The only benefit would be early detection of cancer, either relapse or a new cancer...one of the risks of chemo and radiation. The radiation was to my chest-think of all the organs there. Scary stuff. I decided I would pay attention to my body and if I had something happening that was out of the norm that didn't resolve in week or two, then I'd go back.
So it's been a long time. A really long time. And I've made a bit of a mistake. Because now I'm terrified to go back for a check up because I've gone so long without one. I've gotten myself into a real mess, a terrible cycle. One I haven't figured out how to resolve. Do I keep living in ignorant bliss with worries in the back of my mind? Or do I just brave it up and go for a check up and scan? That's where I've been for several months.
Sorry to ramble on and on about my situation. But, I wanted you to know that you're not alone out there with this fear. If you want to chat more you can email me, hyoung717(at)gmail(dot)com
By the way, we used to chat a bit at BF and OHIH, sometimes nice and sometimes not so nice. eek! But hey we have a couple of things in common...fear of cancer and loathing of cancer! I'm sure there's more, better stuff. =)