Game changer.

Cancer has invaded, yet again. My mom gave me the news last night. Her cousin has cancer, with a prognosis of 1 to 3 years. She is not insured.

I made a reactionary comment last night after I found out. I said my night was shot. Well, my night was shot, but I immediately realized that I was going to make this about me and my hatred for cancer and all it has taken from me.

The thing is, I don't have cancer. I am not the sufferer. It's true that I have suffered because of cancer. My heart has been broken over and over again. My fear of it has kept me awake more than once, keeps me checking the tiniest symptoms.

I am, once again, telling myself, reminding myself- it's not about me.

What it must be like to be my cousin, my father, anyone who has cancer! To have terminal cancer. To have treatable cancer. My husband had melanoma. He was successfully treated, in fact it was a very minor procedure. A friend had breast cancer, she was treated and required no chemo or radiation. Another friend had leukemia and underwent extensive treatment three times, eventually succumbing to it. Yet another friend fought, and beat, Hodgkins lymphoma. Some are told they have cancer long after they have any options for treating it. Some of us catch it so early there isn't a way to treat it until it progresses some. No two experiences are the same. I know this, I have known this for a long time. In discussing my illnesses, I have learned over and over that no two people, no two courses are the same.

And for the caregiver, which I have been, there are no patterns there either. Watching an elderly person struggle with cancer is far different than watching a small child endure it. Watching an old man die is far different than watching a toddler die. Or a young mother. Or a beloved pastor. Or a lively teen. Or a "good" person. Or someone who is not.

But as to what it must be like to have cancer, I have no idea. I hope to never know! Yet every time I hear of yet another loved one or friend being given a cancer diagnosis, I react as if it is happening to me, again. If you see it from my point of view, I guess that is understandable. But I need to not see everything from my point of view. I am going to try and see cancer from...well...the eye of the beholder. I am going to try to see people, not the cancer they have and what it means to me. My fear and hatred of cancer will only serve as a wall between me and the ones I love if that is all I see. If I put the person in front of the cancer, and more importantly before myself, there is nothing between us.

But let me be clear- Cancer, if you are reading this I STILL HATE YOU! Nothing will change that. Do NOT mistake my words for some sort of indication that I am finding peace with you, or accepting you in any way. Fuck you, cancer!

This is me, learning how to beat you.