I have no power.

I am depressed.

Yeah, big DUH!! there.

But I had decided to sit down with my husband and spell it all out for him. Tell him, confess to him that when I am home alone I am a completely different person than when he or the kids are here. One who sits and does not move. One who cries for no reason. One who can not find inspiration to care for her home or her life or take a shower or go the store or do a single thing but sit and watch tv or waste time on the internet.

Yes, of course these things are obvious by looking at me or my home or my checkbook or my laundry pile or my kitchen. But seeing me in this sad state each day is not something he has been privvy to. And I can't do it anymore. So I was going to ask him to help me.

Thursday morning I had decided that Friday, which was his day off, was the day I would spill. I was so down just thinking about it. Then I received that gift in the mail I told you about, and I felt so hopeful. I was feeling good, actually! I had gone to the health food/vitamin store and gotten some B complex vitamins and Sam-e. I am not insured so I am doing what I can to help myself, at the very least boost some energy and elevate my mood a bit. (Sam-e has proven to work for me, for what it's worth.) I came home after getting some fresh air and I was in a pretty good mood, especially compared to how I felt in the morning.

Then I saw him. The electric company guy. He walked across my front yard and into my back yard. I went out and asked him "Can I help you?". His reply, "I'm here to cut off the power, ma'am."

Let me back up a bit. To make a long story short, our bill was behind, and we also have the previous bill added to ours because it was a family member who held the account. The combined bill was larger than most. I had asked to have the previous bill held separate from ours so we would not be penalized for it, to no avail. So we have worked out a deal for payments we can handle and made the power company happy. Our most recent payment on that plan was due on the 4th, but payday was the 8th. I called them and asked for a short extension on the due date. I was told I had until the 13th to make the payment, which I remember thinking was generous and was pleased they were being so amiable. She did, however, clearly state that if I did not make our payment before 5pm on the 13th they would cut off the power. No problem, I thought. So I went on the 12th (since the 11th was a holiday), paid the amount due, then called in the receipt number. When I called in the receipt number, no one made any mention of me needing to have that payment in sooner, or that my power would be cut off despite the payment I was confirming.

So I told the power company guy "No, no! I paid! Hang on, I will get the receipt and get someone on the phone!". He chuckled, he said this happens all the time and he could wait. So I called the power company, fully expecting them to confirm that, yes Mrs. Ryan is good to go! Then it all went bad. The customer service person on the phone said no, we did not make our payment on time and they have to cut off the power. I explained that I had until the 13th and I paid on the 12th. She said "No, you had until the 8th."

The argument went on for a bit. There were transfers to other customer service people and escalating tension. Then I was told that because there is a recording of all phone calls made to the customer service department, they could listen to the call and confirm what I was told. "Great!" I said, "I can hold." No, actually it can take up two days to listen to that call. "So you will keep the power on until you have a chance to listen to that call, right?" No.

And that was it. The first crack. You know, like a windshield. A little ding. But if not repaired, it spreads, branching off in a hundred directions. That was it. They were not going to err on the side of fairness, on the side of the customer. The customer who was at this point pleading, saying she has a family in this home. To me, it was a crisis. To them, it was something they have heard a million times. I can't fault them for not feeling for me, but I can and do fault them for not being fair. Not to mention, if I had only until the 8th, not the 13th, why weren't they there to disconnect power on the 9th instead of waiting until the 14th? Curious, no?

So I asked for yet another supervisor, one who could possibly make the decision to leave our power on until the recording could be heard and I would be proven right. While I was waiting on hold for her, the power company guy said he could not wait any longer, it was the end of his shift. Despite my asking him for just a few more minutes, he pulled the plug and left.

The crack exploded. I went inside and fell apart. Ugly cry. Screaming. "Who died?!" kind of losing it. To the outsider, it would appear I had lost my mind being so upset over losing power. It was over the top. But the grief had been building and building, and the dam had been broken.

Ok, here's the deal. There were many phone calls, there were many arguments. Then we were told that they had listened to the recording and my payment was due on the 8th, and that was that. I asked to hear the recording and was told that was "not possible". Oh yeah, you can imagine my rant on that one! But I was spent, and beyond the rant I just didn't have anything left. It was clear, we would not get our power back on until we paid them the full amount due for both bills. I had to explain all of this to our kids when they came home. Our kids are not so sheltered that they don't know we have financial difficulties, but the uglier details and the full reality is not their business nor something they need to know and worry about. This was more than I wanted them to know, but it was better than lying. We also could not hide what we had to do next.

Borrow money. From family. I know, I know! It gives one shivers, doesn't it? I have been in some low places, but I can tell you there is not much that feels lower than a moment like this. Oh sure, we have borrowed from family before, but that was our parents! Totally different scenario. There's not easy and there's agonizing. This was definitely the latter. Thankfully, our relative was both able to help and gracious. There was a comment to come later about "living below our means", but given that this person doesn't know our entire life story we just considered that to be some friendly, albeit condescending advice given out of love and we let it go. But added to the agony of having to ask, it stirred a reaction. I could go on and on about how far under our means we are trying to live. We did not get into this position by living beyond our means. We got into this position by circumstances beyond our control. I am not blaming anyone else, but I am certainly not blaming us, either. I digress...

So the money was sent, the money was paid, and the power was restored. Just over 24 hours later, dry ice bought to save food, a Friday night high school football game that involved both my ball player and my clarinetist who played with the high school band. Family fun that was actually FUN and relaxing. And when it was all over we came home and turned on our lights. Thankful. Indebted to a family member, but thankful nonetheless.

(Which gets me thinking about why it is so difficult to be indebted to family and how I should talk about that soon. )

Now, to get my power back...