Fuck Cancer

Did I already title a post this way? Well, fuck cancer AGAIN.

I get a twinge in my side, I think it's cancer. I get a stomach bug or cramps, I think it's cancer. My palm is itching, I think it's cancer. I live in fear of goddamn cancer.

Oh why not? My father is dying as we speak from cancer. We are still mourning my husband's father, who died of cancer. My husband wears a huge scar on his chest above his beautiful heart, left there by cancer. My friend S., sits and waits and waits for answers about her cancer. My friend G. sits and waits and waits for a new liver, after fighting her cancer. Another friend, R. sits and waits and waits, fighting to live with a brand new baby in his arms, suffering with cancer. A sweet little angel named Kate is fighting the battle of a lifetime, except hers has only been 5 years long so far, brain cancer.

I pray every day for God to take this fear from me, knowing all the while it is He who will decide my fate, my lot in life. If I will have cancer, if I will survive cancer, if I will die from cancer, it is all determined already. I am forty years old, so if I am going to have cancer I probably have it already. One tiny cell, lurking, waiting. Tick tick tick. I can not continue to live with this kind of fear. I pray and I pray. And every morning I wake up and think about fucking cancer.

Well, that's not true. Not every day. I seem to go through phases of fear about this. Obviously I am there right now. I will actually (hopefully) go back into a place of peaceful calm, trusting that the fact that I feel pretty good means I am pretty good. I will see my doctor next week and (hopefully) he will again tell me my labs are "pristine", and that I am doing as well as possible with what I have. And I will feel confident again. Until I don't.

I don't throw the "f" bomb around much. Under my breath does not count! I don't see is as socially correct verbage. It is, after all, the "Queen Mother" of swear words. But I think we should begin to make an exception in cancer's case. I think there is no other way to describe how the world feels about cancer than to say: FUCK CANCER! I think it should be on t-shirts, on bumpers, on personal checks, in fortune cookies, on popsicle sticks, everywhere! I think in the case of cancer, it is ok to hate. It is our biggest enemy, and we should show no mercy. Ever.

Fuck you cancer.

UPDATE- On Facebook, MckMama asked for prayers for a friend of a friend with end-stage liver cancer. I read all about her, God bless her, and find that she has cholangiocarcinoma! Of all cancers, of all days, to read about. These are the times I wonder if God is speaking to me, and if He is telling me to get right with Him because we will be meeting up soon.