Humbled

I believe as parents, most of us like to believe we can get our kids through anything. If we love them enough, set good examples, teach them to walk in the Truth, kiss the boo-boos...all will be ok in the end. I think many of us believe deep down we can do this all on our own.

I don't think we can. Not at this point. Our kids, our family, have suffered through some very difficult times in the past year. Very scary and heartbreaking times. My diagnosis of liver disease, their grandfather's diagnosis of cancer. Then a hospitalization for me for Lyme meningitis, with Bells Palsy. This was a visible and scary reminder for my kids that I was not well. Then, well, people started dying. It sounds harsh to put it like that, but that's all I can say about it. One after the other. My grandmother, their aunt, their grandfather. These three deaths were very different for the kids. One was the great-grandmother neither of them remembered very clearly. She had long since been ravaged by Alzheimer's and they had not visited her in recent years. The young and beautiful, goofy and fun aunt who was far too young to die. She was just suddenly gone. They have many clear and wonderful memories of her. And then their grandfather, who they watched deteriorate in front of their eyes in months. A man who took them golfing, shopping, and always had a hug and some chocolate was reduced to a man totally dependent on everyone else. They watched him weaken, watched him literally fall over, and watched him lose control of his body and his life. As adults, we think this is part of the process. It is difficult, it is heart wrenching, but it is what we do. We take care of our elders, we fight through the ugly parts and endeavor to give them as much love and dignity as we can. But it's different for children. They see sickness, they see pain, they see suffering. And little else. Then they begin to relate what they see to everything else they are worried about. Nana was sick, she died. Aunt J was sick, she died. Grandpa was sick, he died. And their other grandfather, my father, has terminal cancer. They know that he, too, is sick and will die. Hey, mommy has a disease as well, will she die too? It is ironic that the simplicity of a child's thinking can be so complicated. They are not witnessing anyone they know live with disease, everyone they see with a disease, has so far died from it.

Then there are the memories, there is the grieving. The first year is always the hardest. Every holiday, every momentous occasion is "the first without" the one you love. They have to do it three different ways. This is hard enough for me, an adult. There's just no other way to say it for my kids- it's totally fucking unfair that they have to deal with so much at once at this age.

So it is no wonder that my precious kids are starting to reel from the affects of the past year. Katie has ADHD, and so school has always been a bit of a struggle. Not a huge one, it takes work and diligence, but we get through it. She thrives, gets good grades, and has worthwhile experiences with school and friends. This year, however, is off to a very difficult start. We have decided to have additional intervention for Kate through her school, and are hopeful we will soon see her thriving again.

Sean is so much like his mother. He keeps it all inside, he is the strong silent kid. I prefer to cry alone, so does he. I act like things are ok, that I am fine and am able to deal with issues without talking them out, and so does he. I know what this does to a person, specifically what it does to a person physically. So it should have come as no surprise to me that Sean began having tummy trouble. It absolutely breaks my heart that my ten year old child has stress related health problems. I can't kiss this boo-boo away, I can't love it away.

Katie will begin a plan at school that will allow her to have more individualized attention there, as well as a plan for home that will allow us to help her more. Sean will also begin some counseling right away. Counseling. That word has such a stigma. I have nothing against counseling or therapy at all, I have utilized it many times in the past myself. It's not the same though, when it's your baby. It's not the same to admit that you, as a parent, are not all your child needs. It's difficult to realize you can't do it on your own.

I am humbled.