Where have I been?

Right here of course. And I am sure the many, many of you...the two or three of you who read my blog have been wondering about me, right? I thought so.

We are moving forward. We get up, do the things that need to be done (most of them anyway), do some things that are just for fun, and go to bed. There are elements that are missing for sure. Recently I was at the grocery store and picked up some particular ice cream that Pop liked, and realized we didn't need it. So I stood there, staring at it for what seemed like 10 minutes (probably 30 seconds) and did not know what to do. The choices were pretty simple: put it back or buy it anyway. After all, it was ice cream, and wouldn't go to waste. But I literally did not know what to do for a moment. We are getting used to leaving the house without worrying about how long we will be gone, or when we will be back, and how it related to Pop's schedule and what he might need. We have been out somewhere and had the momentary thought of needing to get back home to check on him. These concerns are not necessary anymore, and one would think that would be liberating. I guess we will get there eventually, but for now it still hits our guts like a hammer.

The funeral was absolutely beautiful and could not have been more fitting. Pat and my sister-in-law R. gave very moving, poignant and heartwarming eulogies. Pop's sisters all came from Pennsylvania, with some of their kids in tow. The interment was made so beautiful by the presence of a bagpiper who graciously donated his time and talent for our family. He is with the Sheriff's Department Honor Guard and played for us as a courtesy to Pat. It was all very moving.

As per usual for me, I hardly shed a tear until the last minute, when I was placing a rose on the casket. There are always the progressions, and along the way "it" is real for people in different ways. I saw him after he died. I saw him at the viewing. I knew he was gone, but waited until it was time to walk away from him forever. When my Nana died this year, not a single tear fell until nearing the end of her service and our Pastor was giving a very moving speech about horizons and distant shores and loved ones going out of sight. Then, on another shore, loved ones see her coming into view, waving their arms joyfully, welcoming her home. Ugh, there I go again. *sniff*

The kids are ok. They are kids, resilient. Tommy seems to be struggling with a few things, but all very normal for a four year old. He did tell me yesterday that he wishes Grandpa could come home, but then I described Heaven to him and he was totally ok with that.

For now, we just keep rising and living...