Destiny

Destiny. Fate. My lot in life. No matter what you call it, or what you believe, it seems it never turns out quite like you think it will. Sometimes in fact, you end up somewhere you never imagined.

Remember this post? I knew then that the answer was not clear. And I still know now that the answer is not clear, but it is emerging. And to be honest, it terrifies me. What I feel I am being pulled toward is something that would require more bravery, more strength and more humility than I have ever known.

In recent months, when mulling over what career path I want to take, all I have said is that I want to save lives. As a 911 Dispatcher, as a nurse, just save lives. I have wanted to be a nurse forever, as I mentioned before. Yet I have never become one. Destiny? Life certainly got in the way, but it could have been done. The 911 position is lost to me because of a few mistakes I made as a very young adult. Fate? Actually, chaulk that one up to stupidity. But nothing is an accident right? And with the mistakes-I-made-as-a-young-adult, we segway into the scary part.

First, let me clarify. I have made no mistakes that I regret. I have done foolish things, things that I may not have done if I had known the consequences in advance, things I did knowing full well what could happen, but nothing I regret. Anything done differently would not have led me to today. Anything done differently at all could have changed the entire course of my life. So I have no regrets. But that is not to say I do not carry scars.

What I feel I am being called to do, and because I am terrified of it I do so hope I am wrong, is help women understand the devastation abortion causes in their lives. This is not about pro-choice or pro-life, this is not about God and sin. This is not about whether or not an embryo or a fetus is a child. This is about being a woman who has ended the life of her unborn child, and what that does to one's whole being. Just saying the words- I am a woman who has ended the life of her child- it seems unreal. I don't think anyone can fully comprehend what it will be like. That day, the next day. The next week. Months later. Years later. When you have children. When your children have children. Each phase of a woman's life brings a new element to that scar. I know some women say they did the right thing, they don't regret it, and they have never looked back. But I don't believe that, not for a second. There will be at least one moment, even if it is only a brief moment, when she will feel an ache, a pain in her heart. And she will hate herself. It may be fleeting, but it will be real.

I am not out to save babies. I don't see myself marching at clinics or handing out pro-life propaganda. On a legislative front, this issue will never be resolved and any argument I make one way or the other will not truly matter right now. I want to save women, save them from that moment, even if it is the most fleeting of moments, of self hatred and heartache.

This is terrifying to me for selfish reasons. I fear being judged. Some of my family and friends will read this blog and learn something about me they never knew. I fear what they might think of me. That's only natural. I know I answer to The One, and no one else, but I am still human. I know it is through God's divine forgiveness of my sin through baptism that I am able to finally be open about this chapter in my life, and in that I find strength and courage.

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on....
I'm Moving On, Rascal Flatts