I have gone over several of the previous entries I made here. I don't know if I am the only person who pores over a journal and winces at how it was written, without reflecting on what was said. But that's what I end up doing. And often, I end up asking myself what I was so upset about. This blog has always been a journal of sorts, but I want to try something different. I want to journal about looking forward, not retelling what has passed. Of course, the past shapes the future, and the present, but I have pretty much told everything I would ever share and it's time to switch gears.
To say I am making some changes in my life would be trite. Aren't we always changing something; evolving, growing? And haven't I always done that? The only thing constant in life is change.
One thing I have started doing is, and brace yourself.....exercise. I can diet with the best of them. I have been on every diet under the sun. I can tell you the points or carb value of almost anything. And yet, I am still the heaviest I have ever been. Sometimes it takes years of drilling for someone like myself to get it, what it takes to make real changes. And then, suddenly, it hits you. Not just hits you, but really gets in there and implants. Suddenly, I find myself wanting to move. I started the Couch To 5k running program. It is exactly how it sounds. Couch lovers like myself, who probably couldn't run out of a burning building, can condition themselves, slowly, to run a 5k in 9 weeks. I am still in the beginning days, but even as I am tiring and my chest is burning and I feel dizzy and I just want to quit and eat and be lazy and fat and happy, there is a new voice in my head that tells me not to quit. One more step. One more step. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. There is no quitting. You will not quit. And you know what? I listen. The truth is, I have seen more than one friend transform themselves from someone just like me into marathon runners and bikers. They inspire me, and I choose to believe them when they say they crave it and they can't imagine not living their new lifestyles, though I am skeptical. Doing it is one thing, but enjoying it? Let's just say, I can't see it from here. What I do see for myself is being fit, energetic, healthy, and happy with my body. I envision going for entire days without thinking about my body; how it looks, how it feels, what parts of it I want to hide from the world, what parts of it hurt. I just want to be comfortable in it.
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Some of my friends are into running. Even with a pack of wild dogs chasing me and Mila Kunis waiting at the finish line, I couldn't do it. After about 500 feet, I'd just curl up and hope that I'd be too exhausted to feel what the dogs were doing to me.
ReplyDeleteI definitely agree with your implied point about blogging, though, that too much emphasis on the past can make the blog become a sort of tether to things we'd rather just put behind us. This is why I make a point to bounce around from personal anecdotes to commentaries on current socio-political issues and movie reviews. I don't know how that plays for the few people who bother to read it, but it's why I'm able to stay engaged with it as the blogger.
Also: "pores over," not "pours over." You're welcome. ;-)