Empty

I have a difficult time being comfortable in social settings. I am awkward. I don't feel like I have much in common with anyone else. I don't feel like anything I have to say is interesting to others. I don't feel like I am relevant, or part of many groups. (Clarification: These things are mostly in my own head. I seem to be well liked by others, and am often included in many settings and situations.) This is why most of my friends are online. Some of the friendships I have formed online are very real. I have just as many true, real friends online as I do offline. Even though I rarely turn on my chat, and I am not great about returning messages, I have friends I know I can turn to anytime, about anything.

But I have encapsulated myself in this comfort zone. The same way some people are always on the phone, talking for hours with their dearest friends or making busy talk with others in the community, I hit the computer to see what's going on in the world, and in my world. I often find out about major news stories on Facebook or Twitter long before I have checked the actual news. And most of my reactions to what has been going on will also be found in those places, rather than sharing them openly with those sitting right beside me. This is not about a disconnect between me and those around me. This is about me, not connecting.

And it feels empty. There is no longer any comfort there, online. The connections I have are very real in most of the ways that count, but they are not complete. I have X amount of "friends", and X amount of "followers". But among all of those with whom I have causes, laughs, tears, interests, and even family in common, I feel isolated and disconnected.

It's not real.

So, I need to find things that are real. Which means I need to change.