Light bulb moment

Something occurred to me this morning. Along with trying to get myself healthy and thinner, I am also trying to figure myself out in many ways. Who I am, what kind of person I truly am, what kind of person I have tried to be, what works for me, etc. In all aspects of my life, what I have realized is that I do not do enough of it for me. I try to do things I think will make others happy, I try to paint myself with everyone else's brush. I don't just mean my loved ones, I mean the world around me. And when I fail, and oh I do, I am so uncomfortable with the consequences. I can not stand the thought of someone being mad at me, and I will often make things much, much worse with the over explaining, the over apologizing, or in some cases, the defensive tactics I use turning it around on them. If I try to be what I think everyone wants me to be, I will certainly reveal a side of myself that no one wants me to be. Not knowing one's self does not usually result in being the person one truly wants to be.

So this all ties in with weight loss and specifically, Weight Watchers. How you ask? Counting points. "Keeping score". I realized it all comes down to this- Put good things in, give good things out, and balance will be the result.

I know I have some friends who are reading this right now and wanting to throttle me, thinking "um yeah Shawnee, I have been saying this for a long time". Well that's how I roll...when I'm ready.

I spend so many thoughts on "why did I eat that?", or "why did I say that?", or "why did I do/spend/think/want that?" Do you ever notice how, when you ask yourself a question like that, you never really wait around to hear the answer? Like "why?" is rhetorical. I am trying to stop and listen. Why indeed? Better yet, I would like to stop and ask why before.

I don't want to count points, I don't want to keep score. Score implies there is a second party, or more. I want to do what I feel is good for me, what I truly feel. I don't want to worry about how it looks, or how many points it costs me. Good things in, good things out. Balance within me, not balance around me.