anxiety

I became a church lector a few years ago, mostly to try and combat the immense fear I feel when speaking to a group, whether it be 3 or 300 people I just freeze and stammer and sputter and say things I don't mean to say and choke choke choke. My beautiful, gracious daughter was able to read the Word at her grandmother's funeral when she was 8 years old, on that huge altar in that huge church. She asked to do it! I thought if she can do that, then I certainly can try.

It has gone well for the last few years. I can usually get up there without too much trepidation, without my heart pounding out of my chest. I have read on Christmas Eve each year since becoming a lector, one of the biggest masses of the year! But recently I am just sick over it. I read today. I can already feel my throat closing up just thinking about it. Add to that, our church has been damaged and is currently unusable so we are congregating in the school gym and I am told that I will need to speak louder to be heard, the sound system is different.

I hope my next blog entry has nothing to do with fainting, heart attacks, or otherwise losing it in front of the congregation today.