Before I start today's thought, I need to say that yesterday's post was not a plea for platitudes or cajoling. And it was not directed at anyone in particular. In fact, if you are reading this chances are good, really good, that it does not pertain to you at all. I just write what I think and feel. If I need your feedback or compliments, I will definitely let you know! I will cry and beg and plead with you to tell me you love me and I am wonderful!! I will also probably be drunk, so ignore that if it happens.
Just enough. This is what my family and I are given each and every single day of our lives. We have weeks where shit gets real on the financial front. Weeks where I make it look like I am being super cool by letting the kids have Ramen (which they love) for dinner. And they know the truth, they're not stupid. But for me, it doesn't feel great. But it is enough. We never seem to not have what we need, at the most basic level. I am grateful. So grateful that I say it several times a day when dealing with various subjects. "I have just enough, that is awesome!" or "I have just enough, I do not need more than this even though I may want more." Always enough. God is good. All the time.
But I awoke this morning feeling most melancholy and tired, even though I had a good night's sleep (which rarely happens). And the thought hit me like a tidal wave-
I am settling for just enough.
I am grateful, yet I realize I may be limiting myself as well. I could have more, and it isn't about greed or selfishness. I could be more. I could give more. I could expect more of and for myself. I could go out and get more. I could have more here at home.
Not more stuff. Not better stuff. Not stuff. Just more. More life. More security. More fulfillment.
And why am I not doing that?
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This hits me every now and again. I've found it's strongest whenever I've been on vacation. For instance, in 2001 and 2002, a friend of mine and I took a week each of those years and drove around to see a baseball game in a different city each night.
ReplyDeleteThere came a point where we were halfway between Detroit and Cleveland and it dawned on us that we could very easily and practically take a free day and go do something more interesting that putz around our own local area. Why spend our time having lunch at the same boring places when we could just as easily take off for something out of the ordinary?
It's not about having "better" dining options, mind you, but rather the point that there's a whole world outside of where we spend most of our time. We could easily engage that world, but we are often instead insulated by the trappings of daily life. It just seems easier to sit in traffic to do the routine than to make a break and go exploring.
Then, of course, it begins to cross your mind once you've had this epiphany of all the other parts of life that are just as easily within reach that we refrain from engaging. What is stopping us from volunteering once a week somewhere? Why can't we start checking out works of classic literature from the library? Who's stopping us from spending an afternoon at a local museum instead of flaked out in front of the TV?
And yet, once home it's just a matter of time before that enthusiasm yields to the shackles of the daily habits. It's just easier to not do these more fulfilling things. Not necessarily cheaper, mind you. At first, I feel lazy for not acting on these new insights. That later evolves into guilt; what was the point of becoming enlightened if not to act on it?
Eventually, though, I hit the point where I realize I haven't done anything that I thought was so much more interesting and that I'm not likely to, either. And I've recently begun to see that what stops me every time is that I have felt selfish for not being grateful enough to have had the routine parts of my life. It's as though doing so would be an act of insurrection against society, that I would be partaking in "the good life" that I don't deserve somehow.
I don't know that this is the case for you, of course, but your post got me to thinking (clearly!) about the same subject.